i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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