It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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