You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
