it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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