Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
