I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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