Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
