I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
pray to the hookup gods
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
