also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Green mimosas i think yes
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
