Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Less talking, more tequila
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
