What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
