well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
This house was built for laser tag.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
