my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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