Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
