i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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