I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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