Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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