So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
