The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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