I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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