Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Welp...herpes.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
