I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
