No stitches, just platelets and will power
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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