I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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