Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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