Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
