You just made me feel so damn special
The maid of honor just puked.
Can Purell be used as lube?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
