i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Sorry my hands just texted you
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
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