I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
