last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
