yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
