did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
