I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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