She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
