He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
