I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Man, jail baloney is awful.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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