Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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