I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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