Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
