Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
