Already got asked if we're dating
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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