The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
