those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Quick, to the slutcave!
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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