Sponge bath it is.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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