You smell like a Billy Joel song
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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