we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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