I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
