I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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