how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
