i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
