I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
