Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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